Summertime Rolls

Sometimes in life there are ups and downs. We find ourselves falling, getting bruised, struggling to return to that happy place where we began.

This has been my summer. It started out full of promise: cool, long days and pleasant evenings. I thought I would regain my gooey center. That happy go-lucky me who is focused, full of energy and adventure. Unfortunately, this has not been the case.

I feel off-balance and unsure. Each step I take is shaky and I'm not sure if where I plant my foot is where I want to be. Me, who used to bumble down the trail hardly looking at any footfalls is consumed by where my feet have been and where they are now going. I don't want to end up lost. I don't want to be retracing my steps because of careless error. I want again to be carefree, humming a tune while feeling at one with everything around me.

But I'm not. I feel stuck. Standing, turning in every direction. Not sure which path to take. Should I turn back? Cautiously return to that last fork in the road and choose the other way? Or should I forge ahead into the unknown with faith my only guide?

I'm stressed. I feel the weight of responsibilities. Family, financial, friends. Family is causing me to pause on the side of the path, sadness prevents me from seeing clearly to move forward. I feel such loss from my grandfather, such pain from my grandmother. The frustration and resentment from their children. Now J's grandmother fighting, not fighting. So far away, but constantly here with me. Distress of his mom, distance from his father.

Financial guilt consumes me. I know this is the path to something new, fulfilling, something that is only for me. But, the guilt of spending money on education is a burden. I'm so cautious that I have to be careful to not let inaction become my decision. I cannot be passive.

So, summer, a time that should be filled with fun, vacations, no worries is something of a crisis. So, I sit. Precariously perched. I'm watching everything around me, hesitant to move forward. Imploding on emotion.